Giving it all up

First of all, I apologize for not writing in so long! Been pretty busy :)

I HAD CLEAN SCANS! 2nd round of clean scans and ALL the joy in the world. No one has any idea the emotions that I go through waiting the hour that it takes to get the results back...the voices in my head SCREAM at each other, "Kirsten!!! Your head was hurting and you haven't been sleeping well." Then comes in the voice that I love, "SHUT UP! You are fine...everyone gets headaches and you probably are just stressed-that's why you can't sleep! Let's not worry about ANYTHING except looking gorgeous for the hot waiter at CPK."

CLEAN SCANS....WINNINGGGGG!

So I might not show it, but since September 2011, I have been mourning the loss of my hair.

First it was this:

Then it was this:

Now it's this:

It's been a REAL struggle; guys that usually are all up on this (Hahaha I can't even type that without laughing) won't give me the time of day. "I've lost 35 lbs...No? Not good enough unless I have hair?" I guess it's the good Lord saying "take it easy, kid! You and your hormones will be around for a while!"....which is always exciting to hear. :)

Last Wednesday, after three weeks of my white counts being too low, I received my chemotherapy dose! Yay for forward progress! (Speaking of which--NOT happy about the teams going to the Superbowl!)

I was feeling GREAT! Then two days later, I was on the floor of my bathroom at 2am making dinosaur mating calls and throwing up what I swear were my lungs. I didn't sleep for 30 hours- so by the time my mom sent me to bed (approx. 6:30 pm), I was an emotional trainwreck! Nothing a twelve hour coma can't fix :)

So muy importante news....

My friend Donna Hamilton (SHOUT OUT!) was going to church, so being the polite houseguest that I am, I tagged along.

BACKGROUND:

I was baptized as a Catholic and was forced to go to church from the age of 5 until I was 12, with bible study every Wednesday night. It was very monotonous, repetitive, and booooorrrrrrriiiiinnnggg. The catholic church made me despise going to church. 

By the time tumor number 2 popped up, I was CONVINCED that there was no God. If there were a "God", I must've done something SERIOUSLY wrong to piss him off. But really though, if there were a God, why do babies die? Why do children get cancer? Why did I, of all people, have cancer? I mean, honestly; I've never done drugs, I could count on my fingers the amount of times I've been drunk, and had a clean criminal record. WHY ME?!

So anyway, back to my Sunday with Donna...

There are sooooooo many different variations of Christianity. Evangelical is a term that I have heard of,  but never TRULY understood what it meant. I associated it with witchcraft or even a cult. So when Donna said that we were going to an Evangelical church, I was skeptic. Then I asked what the church was called. "The Sanctuary", Donna said in her sweet voice. 

WARNING LIGHTS AND SIRENS FLASHING EVERYWHERE! DEFINITELY A CULT!

WRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!

This church was warm and so welcoming! It is a "come as you are" kind of church. Even though I still wasn't sure about the main goal of the church, I grabbed a name tag and went to find a seat. The pastor's sermon was catered to ME. It's like someone had written him a book of my life and given it to him and he was advising me what to do. It was amazing! We went to the back of the room, got a little extra prayer, and made our way out to the courtyard. Pastor Marty had on a tie with a cartoon frog with its' tongue sticking out, so naturally, he was chasing around all of the kids with it. Donna grabbed my arm and led me to the Pastor. "This is my friend, Kirsten." He smiled; he could tell that I would completely eat up every word that he said. I was absolutely mesmerized by his sermon on "giving it all up to the Lord" and leaving all my problems, worries, and anxieties at His feet. He said to me "Kirsten, I'll bet you ask yourself countless times EVERY day, WHY? Why me?! Why am I in a situation where I have NO control?" He knew my thoughts and feelings exactly! "YES!!!!" Then he said to me, "even if I knew and told you the exact reason WHY, then what...?" He was so right! What do I do once I have the scientific reason why? "Ask WHAT! So what am I going to do about it?!" Pastor Marty looked at me and smiled,"...exactly." From that moment on, I was sold.

I am currently in the process of writing a book, working on planning a talk for parents of/and kids (separately) with cancer, and want to donate time to spend with the kids that can't go home in between treatments. All of these ideas were made possible by laying a problem that I have NO control over at the feet of God and letting him carry it for me. It feels great!

Remember to laugh a little each and every day....Everything is going to be ok :)

<3 Kirsten