Lost and Found!....Then Lost again...

Hello All!

I know...its been FOREVER since I have updated my blog. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER! That's been my favorite saying lately.

In the last year, I have been diagnosed with brain cancer for the third time, haven't been able to finish my degree, lost my dad, and am in a Civil War with his "wife" to get his things....she threw most of his things away in order to make room for her illegitimate grandchild-but that's a whole other story.

I felt sooo lost-Then Brandon came into my life. We are the male and female versions of eachother...seriously. We have soooooooo much fun together and he reminds me EXACTLY of my dad.

This is Brandon and I with his newborn niece, Bentleigh. If there ever was a perfect baby, she's it!


My dad sent me Brandon to help get me through his passing. That doesn't take away the pain I feel when I reach up and rub my dad's thumbprint that I had engraved into a necklace.

I'm lost again because I have NO IDEA what my purpose in this life is. Is it to mentor others? Is it to work at Total Woman forever (because that would suck)? I just don't know.

I prayed about it last night....now I just have to wait for God and my Daddy to get back to me.

ANYWAYS, on a much brighter note, I have 2 fundraisers coming up for fall. One is at the Paseo Club and the other one is called a "Sip n' Shop"...promises to be a good time. :) Will post times and dates when they are finalized. Thank you so much for always following me with support, prayers and well wishes. It means more than you guys and gals could ever know.

Peace, Love, and LOTS of living to do.
Kirsten

Summer lovin'!

That's what it has been-a summer to love! If its not 90 degrees outside EVERYDAY...it's WARMER! Been drinking lots and lots of water!
I got a job at Total Woman gym and day spa. WOOHOO! I am a Customer Service Representative....a receptionist that gets to wear suits and heels ALL day long. :) I love my job and there are a lot of familiar faces!

B and I are better than EVER and I can't imagine my life without him.

This is Junior. He's our "Build a Bear" baby! ....Babe, we might need to get him some new clothes. We also have a "Pillow Pet"alligator named Brutus. :)

B & I went to a Kenny Chesney/ Tim McGraw concert a couple weeks ago! Sooooooo good! We were his parent's guests and it was just such a great time! We went on vacation with my mom and stepdad for a few nights. Super fun and SUPER RELAXING!!!

WE BOTH HAD CLEAN SCANS! WAHOO! It's the little things that make life worth living.

I will always love and miss my dad-it's just something unavoidable. Sometimes I still get teary eyed, but I know that that's TOTALLY normal. When someone asks about him that doesn't know of his passing, it still stings. I just know that he doesn't want me to be sad; he loved me more than anything.

That's all folks! I know.... I have such a boring life right now. :) JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT!

XOXO,
Kirsten

Back to lifffffeee, Back to Reality!

For those of you that don't follow my facebook page religiously, I have had some BIG changes happening!

I really am starting to realize how vital my mom is to my life...and what a spaz I am about her well-being. I love her with all of my heart. Even though her and my dad had a VERY nasty divorce, she has been there WHENEVER I needed her. She will cuddle in bed with me while I cry, she tells me that he's up in heaven looking down on me and that if he had any say...he wouldn't have left. She has been my rock.

The death of my dad really threw me for a loop. What kind of "God" would take away one of the most important people in my life?! That has been the topic of SEVERAL spiritual advising sessions. (Thanks Pastor Jen and P.M.) I miss him every day and not a day goes by that I don't think about him. On Mother's Day, my grandma got 3 missed calls from his cell phone... 3! It's funny...once you stop looking for signs, they pop up EVERY WHERE!

I think that my "gift" from my dad is the guardian angel that he sent me, Brandon. Emails led to the start of the last three weeks of fun and romance. Brandon and I are the male and female versions of each other! He had a Grade 4 Glioblastoma Multiforme on the right side of his brain, whereas mine was on the left. I was never given a prognosis, but Brandon gives me so much hope. We could have an hour long conversation about NOTHING. I love his family, I love how EVERY DAY he makes time for me, he has a job and we have conversations about saving money for "rainy days", whatever that looks like. Ahhh... I'm in love. :)

I applied for a job for a summer day camp. I interview for it on Thursday. Fingers crossed. AND I FINALLY GET MY CAR BACK BECAUSE I'M BEING PUT BACK ON THE INSURANCE!

Life is good.

Dad

On Tuesday night, my daddy passed away suddenly from "Natural Causes from Diabetes" in his sleep.
My whole world has stopped. When I'm on the phone with someone, they always say "HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU BE SO STRONG?!" ......because I have to be.

People say he was larger than life....I have to agree. Not him physically, but his love for his kids and family was unreal. Dad, I miss you so much. My heart aches when I think about you...it physically hurts.
I hope that you are up with the Big Guy and Uncle Larry. I love you more than you could possibly know. Any guy that comes into my life is going to have a lot to live up to....don't worry...I'll pick a good one.

                                                            Craig Bays and My Daddy

Daffodil Days

If you've never seen a daffodil bloom, it's pretty great. They take on "human-like" features!
Some bloom faster than others, some are brighter than others, some are shorter, so on and so forth...

Exhibit A:

If you look really close, there is a cocoon like film that has to come off each bud before it can bloom into a beautiful flower!

The last six months, I have been a bud wanting SO BADLY to have the cocoon cut off and to just bloom into a beautiful flower! Some of these aspects are me and my self esteem issues. I don't see myself as "beautiful" or "sexy"....just another girl trying to get by in a crazy world! Those are issues that I need to work out myself. However, why can't I drive? Answer: Because my mom took me off the insurance when she heard that I was going to be battling again. It's a battle that I couldn't handle in the beginning without rides to and fro. HOWEVER, I feel better! I feel GREAT!!! I have normal sleep/wake hours and my doctor cleared me! I don't understand why my mom wants to keep me a bud, in protective coverings instead of letting me bloom!


Status of MRI (as of March 21, 2012)
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CLEEEEEEEEEAN!
Doctor says that I have a few more months of treatment....one says this is my last round and the other (whom I trust with my life) says until the end of the year. They don't make me feel sick! Why not?!


The morning of March 22, I was on a plane to visit the girls that I used to au pair for. SOOOO big! We went to the zoo, bowling, arboretum,and ate probably more than any one person ever should :)


Lastly, my friend Emily and I are both survivor's and are looking for more to start a survivor's group!
If anyone knows any young adult (17-35) that has survived this awful disease, please have them contact me.
kirstentrimble@gmail.com


Peace,Love, and many many daffodils!
Kirsten

Size 6!

First.....GREAT NEWS! CLEAN SCANS! That's 3 in a row!! WOOHOO!

I feel like a MILLION bucks. Honestly, I feel like I'm healing and becoming a better person all in one swoop! I'm going to church every Sunday (when I can't go, I get SOOOO upset), spiritual advisement happens on Friday, and I go a week on and a week off between my mom and grandma's house. It works better that way.

If you don't have a strong stomach...go ahead and wait for the next update. ;)

So the results of my sigmoidoscopy (half of a colonoscopy) showed that I had 4 fissures (little tears) caused by constipation consistent with all of my medications! Instead of adding stool softeners and Miralax twice a day to the mix, I drastically changed my diet. Rather than an In-n-out cheeseburger w/ fries (both animal style) with a Coke, I am a vegetarian that doesn't drink ANYTHING except water and hold the cookies or brownies please! I didn't think that I could do no meat, no excess sugars, and no sodas....but I'm close to the three week mark (yeaaa!) and they say that it takes 21 days to form a new habit! I have lost two jean sizes! It felt so good buying a size 6 pair of shorts today!

Lastly, I've been buying LOTS of knit headbands...

That's for you, H! ;)

Peace and Love!

Kirsten

Headband lady!

Hey guys!

I have been getting SO many compliments on my knit headbands! Thanks!

This lady knits them up in San Francisco and WHATEVER SHE CHARGES....they are worth double. I LOVE them!!!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/threebirdnest

Giving it all up

First of all, I apologize for not writing in so long! Been pretty busy :)

I HAD CLEAN SCANS! 2nd round of clean scans and ALL the joy in the world. No one has any idea the emotions that I go through waiting the hour that it takes to get the results back...the voices in my head SCREAM at each other, "Kirsten!!! Your head was hurting and you haven't been sleeping well." Then comes in the voice that I love, "SHUT UP! You are fine...everyone gets headaches and you probably are just stressed-that's why you can't sleep! Let's not worry about ANYTHING except looking gorgeous for the hot waiter at CPK."

CLEAN SCANS....WINNINGGGGG!

So I might not show it, but since September 2011, I have been mourning the loss of my hair.

First it was this:

Then it was this:

Now it's this:

It's been a REAL struggle; guys that usually are all up on this (Hahaha I can't even type that without laughing) won't give me the time of day. "I've lost 35 lbs...No? Not good enough unless I have hair?" I guess it's the good Lord saying "take it easy, kid! You and your hormones will be around for a while!"....which is always exciting to hear. :)

Last Wednesday, after three weeks of my white counts being too low, I received my chemotherapy dose! Yay for forward progress! (Speaking of which--NOT happy about the teams going to the Superbowl!)

I was feeling GREAT! Then two days later, I was on the floor of my bathroom at 2am making dinosaur mating calls and throwing up what I swear were my lungs. I didn't sleep for 30 hours- so by the time my mom sent me to bed (approx. 6:30 pm), I was an emotional trainwreck! Nothing a twelve hour coma can't fix :)

So muy importante news....

My friend Donna Hamilton (SHOUT OUT!) was going to church, so being the polite houseguest that I am, I tagged along.

BACKGROUND:

I was baptized as a Catholic and was forced to go to church from the age of 5 until I was 12, with bible study every Wednesday night. It was very monotonous, repetitive, and booooorrrrrrriiiiinnnggg. The catholic church made me despise going to church. 

By the time tumor number 2 popped up, I was CONVINCED that there was no God. If there were a "God", I must've done something SERIOUSLY wrong to piss him off. But really though, if there were a God, why do babies die? Why do children get cancer? Why did I, of all people, have cancer? I mean, honestly; I've never done drugs, I could count on my fingers the amount of times I've been drunk, and had a clean criminal record. WHY ME?!

So anyway, back to my Sunday with Donna...

There are sooooooo many different variations of Christianity. Evangelical is a term that I have heard of,  but never TRULY understood what it meant. I associated it with witchcraft or even a cult. So when Donna said that we were going to an Evangelical church, I was skeptic. Then I asked what the church was called. "The Sanctuary", Donna said in her sweet voice. 

WARNING LIGHTS AND SIRENS FLASHING EVERYWHERE! DEFINITELY A CULT!

WRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!

This church was warm and so welcoming! It is a "come as you are" kind of church. Even though I still wasn't sure about the main goal of the church, I grabbed a name tag and went to find a seat. The pastor's sermon was catered to ME. It's like someone had written him a book of my life and given it to him and he was advising me what to do. It was amazing! We went to the back of the room, got a little extra prayer, and made our way out to the courtyard. Pastor Marty had on a tie with a cartoon frog with its' tongue sticking out, so naturally, he was chasing around all of the kids with it. Donna grabbed my arm and led me to the Pastor. "This is my friend, Kirsten." He smiled; he could tell that I would completely eat up every word that he said. I was absolutely mesmerized by his sermon on "giving it all up to the Lord" and leaving all my problems, worries, and anxieties at His feet. He said to me "Kirsten, I'll bet you ask yourself countless times EVERY day, WHY? Why me?! Why am I in a situation where I have NO control?" He knew my thoughts and feelings exactly! "YES!!!!" Then he said to me, "even if I knew and told you the exact reason WHY, then what...?" He was so right! What do I do once I have the scientific reason why? "Ask WHAT! So what am I going to do about it?!" Pastor Marty looked at me and smiled,"...exactly." From that moment on, I was sold.

I am currently in the process of writing a book, working on planning a talk for parents of/and kids (separately) with cancer, and want to donate time to spend with the kids that can't go home in between treatments. All of these ideas were made possible by laying a problem that I have NO control over at the feet of God and letting him carry it for me. It feels great!

Remember to laugh a little each and every day....Everything is going to be ok :)

<3 Kirsten